Saturday, December 9, 2017

da me ma gasolina

da me uhleeeenahh uhhh

lol my ego is wild. i feel everything she's saying
i get tyg a off, i turn tyg a on

i love this by cardi b

it pretty much sums things up for me right about now

petty bitches always gone be talkn shit when you fire smh

used to it

 bum bitches if u ask me




Wednesday, December 6, 2017


It has been so long, and I find myself, not only thinking but, dreaming about my love.

I don't won't to go too deep, off the radar, but I will write my thoughts.

I won't give his real name, but let's just give his character a name: Tyg a. He was so fine, like Tyga, so why not?

Anywho, I like lost my mind in this dude. Wtf? Why did I have so much love for this boy? Why do I still have so much love for this man? Out of all the people, well boys, I ever met, why do I still feel so strongly about him? I thought I would get older, forget about him, move on, but it never happens. 

Every so often I think of him, dream of him, I even dream of his friends because of him, like they pop up in my dreams with him. Tf??????

It's the memories. They never fade. Trust me, I've crushed on hella guys. I mean in highschool alone, although I was quiet, hella dudes lol but none like Tyg a.

I want to replay all my memories. I have to. I want him.

Well, I met him 2010.

It all started one day, or should I say night. I had an apartment, Tundae said he had speakers, we were like fuck it, let's have a party. Well, kick back. Tundae had a car back then, and so we linked up, somehow people got invited, and we had fun.

Side note: prior to this, I had just met Matt, damn, the homie!!!!! But forreal, his ass is hella crazy. Tundae came over with him one day to my apartment in santa Monica. I said I had weed. I had an 8th. I meet Matt, and he was like dang, you said you had weed, but I didn't know this much, somethin' like that, we hit it off, and were friends immediately. Same night, we copped some triple C's. This n!gga made a game of the shit. He was like how many can you pop, he was like I popped 8, I was like 9, he was like 10, we went up to some ridiculous number like 16. Lol triple cs were the ish, but nah I'm good. Mess up your liver real quick, walls will be textured n shit, lil high. that's it.

>So I remember him. It was the night that one of our friends, at the time, brought some bomb e, and brought some for everybody. I think it was the NBA championship game that night too. So we dropped, and I shared half mine with a homegirl at the time. But it hit bomb, kabooom yeah boiiii!

And I remember walking through the room past the dining room, and he was sitting at the little table we had.

In my head, I thought, " I like him, no I like everybody . .  . But I like him a little bit more than everyone else ".

And I was walking to the balcony, and in my head, I thought to him, "follow me". And he did.

We got out onto the balcony, and he said, " you like me, but you like me a little bit more than everyone else".

Then he just went back inside. I wanted to kiss his lips so badly, but I was in shock, like did he just read my mind????

*Side note: I want to hear his side of this story.

And I also remember we were sitting on the floor by the big chair in my living room and he said something like if I was going to get to know him, what questions would I ask.. or something like that.
Those were the early memories. Tyg a. ❤

Then, I remember one night we were laying on the floor of my apartment, across from each other. I had my legs Indian style, but laid back with my hands beneath my head. And he was laying straight across from me, but on his stomach.
And we had like intercourse in my mind. Like an intellectual stimulation. In my mind, he was inside me... Can't say what was on his mind tho.

Side note: this is a dude I never was with, barely even hugged him. But Everytime I saw him, my heart jumped, my frequency increased around him. It was like a light. Just being around him was like electricity.

I also remember I rode in his car once, I think. I barely recall, but we were getting into his car, and he asked me what my job was. I told him I was a stylist at BcBG, (Alyssa hooked me up)!

And I remember one time he came to my apartment, he called and said "can I park in your parking space? I'm going to smc" I was knocked out, so I said yeah, but I didn't even look outside to see if he was really there.

And he came to my birthday party, all late, and he gave me a small hug.

Well he knows who he is, and if you ever wanna be real with ya girl, let me know. 

I also remember seeing him at the mall, fox hills. I was coming from work, and I see him coming out the hats store, Lids. We made eye contact, and I started ducking n shit.
I was like hope he didn't see me, but we looked each other dead in the eye.
I started to quicken my pace. He says "heeey". I was like damn, caught me all off guard, "hi". He said what are you doing... I work here... I guess I wanted to run into him, because it's fox hills, c'mon, he worked there.

I remember the last two times I saw him. In 2012.

Second to last, me n my homegirl were going to the Bros house to chill, and Tyg a, his bro and his bro's girl at the time, we're going too. 

We were sitting in the jacuzzi, he had his bird chest all out, shirt off. Sexy.

I was all dirty from riding the bus around town all day n shit, and 4 months prego at the time.

Then I saw him a couple months later, randomly went to Venice skate park, i was kinda looking for him, and he was there, skating!!!! He is so fine omg. 
I was 6 months prego at the time, and that was the last time I saw him.

Years go by, and I've been had my daughter, my Ariel. I was in a relationship. But I felt like my partner had crossed me. So I got cold feet. Am I supposed to be in this? 

I hit him up, and expressed  myself, telling him how much I love him, like in essay format. He says, " are you gonna make me eggs and bacon?" 
I said no, because im a vegan, but I will totally make that boy, anything he wants now lol. 
I told him I loved him, and he said "that's not how love works" ok well how does it work then Snuffly!??
Anyway, he insisted that he wasn't into me like that. He denied me, once again.
And I decided to move forward with my relationship. 
And I told my partner that I had contacted him, and then, next thing I know, I'm pregnant. I felt like he did it on purpose, to keep me, or mark his territory or something. Idk, because it was right after.

Anyway Tyg a claimed not to be Into me, but I saw him making little videos, making faces like me. And I saw a different light in his eyes, like compared to other pics, like before I hit him up, vs.  after I hit him up. I'ma virgo, we analyze everything. 

N His eyes, I could swim in.
 He is truly majestic. 

And anyway, why talk to me if you weren't into me? It'd be weird, because I was saying stuff like I love you to him, weird shit if it was just random? Right?

But then I unfollowed him and blocked him. 

What could I do? He didn't want me, and I wanted to try so desperately hard to forget about him. Because although I hit him up once, I still thought about him often.

But I could understand why he wasn't into me. I mean I had hella guy friends, and I dressed like a skank.
 Shorts weren't shorts unless they were booty shorts lmfao, ass cheeks had to be hanging out the back. That was def instilled in me by Mel.
 But they were all just friends.

Side note: I saw that old ass pic of me, Mel n Tundae. Well we used to have matching days. Like in that pic it was red pants day, and supposedly she didn't have red, only pink. Having them two as my friends was a fucking show senior year. Those two personalities, fucking comical. At that time, they were equally my best friends, and I don't know if she ever got jealous but me and Tundae never did shit. But once they broke up, I was still friends with both of them, and I don't think either one took it too well and I graduated anyway. 2008 baby!

>My sly, cunning behind, I even became friends with one of his friends, to try to get to him, didn't work tho.


And about a week ago, I had a dream. This caused me to rethink everything. Dreams are from on high, so I really had to put thought on it.

Am I happy with my relationship now?
Why am I trying to make this work so bad?
This is misery.
Love shouldn't be this hard, it should be natural, with ease.
I've given this dude 4 straight years, well almost, of my life, and for what? He has wasted at least 50% of my time.
My life has really been a lot of pain with him, more than pleasure, so I'm making moves for me and my babies? you feel me? How can i be a good mother, when I'm down all the time, i gotta get on... frfr
at all costs!!!!!!!!!!!

I followed Tyg a on i.g. well sorta. I really want to get him in my life, please God. And I contacted his friend, I was like dolo gone have the answers, he did help, but he helped in a different kind of way. 
So here I am blogging on my blogspot. Like damn, if he ever gave me a piece of him, I would never let him down. Chronicles of my past.
But I had a dream he proposed to me. You know that Hawaiian bread, he had that in a pan, with some colorful stuff and we were like on a football field or somewhere kinda outside...then i saw his ig story... But I have had another similar dream, maybe I'll get into another time. That dream shook me alive. I was like what am I doing here? In misery? With this imposter?

Anyway y'all, it's always been real, peace,.


In Fact....

To be fair, I actually never gave up blogging.

In fact, on my old Facebook account, before it got "mysteriously" deleted, I had written a few *love blogs* if you will.

They were detailed accounts of how I felt about an individual, my lover.

Selfish much, am I?

But it was a private thing, a private world, where only he had access, because Facebook had a feature where you can specify who sees your posts, and he was my special guest, my Love.

But to be honest, I don't know if he even ever actually saw my posts, because he never mentioned it, but we weren't friends. I was so shy, especially around him.

And I don't know if this is selfish or not, because I think he has a girl now, but I'ma 'bout to crack this shit wide open in this mufukhA.

The "Book of Ailena" now available world wide on


Man, past chronicles, in full effect.

May Peace and the Force be with you,


Past Years Gone By....


Let's get straight to it. There has been much missing from my blog over the past years, well, concerning me.

I remember last time I tried to blog, I thought I had got locked out of my Blogger, which I didn't, but it's why I probably haven't blogged in so long.

I reread through all my posts, and it was hilarious, I was like, why did I stop?

Sometimes, life hits you hard, and you lose yourself.

I lost myself. All the things that made me: lively, vibrant, etc. Gone down the drain.

But I'm back. I love writing, and boy, do I have a lot to share. 

Hope you can keep up.

Peace n much love,


P.s. Live it up!! Love up!!! Never give up! Live life fully!!

Well.... Well...Well

Wow. Well, what can I say, Blogger?

It has been a loooong time since I blogged. Hell, I even forgot I had a blog.

Give thanks to the person who helped me kinda remember I had a blog.

I was feeling kinda down, and I hit him up so that I could be expressive. He was open, even though we've never been friends. 

I remember in high school, I'd be walking with my homegirl, and he'd be staring like a mug. And I'd stare back. 
Who knew they'd end up getting together? But that happened after I was out of her life.

Yesterday, the winds were ridiculous!!! I mean, they like hurt.

Those were winds of change my friend.*

I have a lot to go into, hopefully, i'll be able to get through it all.

Always with, Paz y Amor!


Thursday, October 31, 2013

Shakespearean Sonnet by Ailena Vargas

            Shakespearean Sonnet

My Love is like a midsummer’s sunset
Burning bright with orange light, not done yet,
How I long to watch the sun down ‘til night,
Far away from the horizon am I,
Like the hazy blue glow beyond windows,
Is how the earth stretches between our souls.
To think one day we shall be one again,
Warms my heart to a deep sleep at day’s end.
Rest so peaceful it deserves the dusk
That seeks your company, it is a must,
Time is the lion in the room, that seeps
And Seeps, a sordid boon; Be peaceful for
People doing good deeds will seed the Earth with Love,

Alas! My dear, you have been sent from above. 

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Ugh. Where to start. I guess it's been awhile since I have truthfully blogged. Years, in fact. But who really cares anyway?

 Yeah, this just got emo. Lol

But I do have two things I want to say.

All this time, all the years that have passed, and all it took was the love and support of two Aunts to get me where I am today. I will never forget what you (they) have done for me, and I did not come this far to stop now. I LOVE YA'LL (them)!! And I wish ya'll could get along, but I understand, and I'm not pressing the issue. Words, especially spoken, can never pang me. I learned that lesson the hard way; say what you want, but at the end of the day don't expect me to acknowledge it. I hear what ya say, but at the same time, I'm not really hearin' it, ya feel?

Anyhow 2013 has been a year where shit has gotten really real, no matter how fake some of you deem me to be. Sorry, but yes, it does "get real", at times. (I say "at times" sarcastically, when have you [the reader] ever known me to not stay true to my feelings and myself? I'll wait; you can explain never). I have grown to learn that no matter how much you may think you know a person, you really do not know them. You would think that after nearly two years, I would know Dan, but I do not. Well, I do know enough about Dan to know that I no longer want him in my life, and I can't wait for the time to come when I get to bang the peace sign in his front piece like "bye", and I will not let this time pass me by. [SIDE NOTE: fuck getting to know people; don't even waste time].

But yes, this time will not pass me by, as I feel it a comin'. Ya hear that, pa? That shit is loud and clear.

Onto brighter topics. Some of you have heard the rumors; some of you may have a firsthand account of the story and have thus shared it with others; and some of you have no fuckin' clue, which is best. But I have a great amount to tell you (my followers). I do this not for you, my loves, but for me. I do this not because I am selfish, but because I have reasons to everything I do. I am not so wasteful and self-indulged.
*Side rant: I will get to the point, but I wanted to quickly note that people notice things about me that I do not note myself. For instance, the other day 'Dan' said "you think you're pretty because you fixed your hair". No mf, I know I'm pretty and it has nothing to do with my hair; which if I may say myself is pretty as I have been wearing it naturally since I have no money to get it straightened n stuff. Instead of acknowledging him, I started ranting about perceptions, dislike, women, and other things. Point being, you may take into account my looks, but they are not a self-gratifying crutch. They are what they are, and I am a confident lady.

Yes, I have a child. A heaven-sent, bundle of joy that is all mine. It was what I wanted, and what I have. The only regret is Dan, the bd. He tries to keep me down, control me, and disrespect me, but fuck that. When I look deep down into his depths, all I see is a child; frightened to get abandoned by his mommy. I need a man. I will find a man, or no one at all. Dan, your time to exit is coming soon, step up to the plate, big papi.

Anyway, here is my lovely child. No one can ever compare, ever come near, or even parallel the love we have. And any man that would want to take me better know that I am a lady; I can't accept anything less. And any man that would want to even be apart of our life better know that unless we are getting married or are that close, don't expect to even catch a glimpse of my child in "real" life.

Anyway, this is a limited time post. Because in time, my life will move on. I will grow beyond even the wildest bunch of flowers. A girl once unbeknownst, floating in dreams of evolved realms.

Say Cheese! the feds(ya'll) are watching.

Free Willy ass Love,

Ailena V. =)