Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Stains hang low on my shirt like ay ya ya

Ahhhhh,

Such a beautifully boring day in Redlands (again)...

Well I have been here since Friday night, so I've been here bout 4 days, and it feels like eternity.

Time doesn't go by too slow here, but I wouldn't say it's fast. Usually, I appreciate when I feel time slow down... but now i just wish time would speed up or invert, and I could magically just be in the future already. I really can't stand the feeling of wasting time, because honestly, with no real productivity in my life as of now, no school, no job, no nothing, I feel like I'm wasting away..

I guess I'll just have to work on my novel; I haven't looked at it in months, but it's the only thing that i could do that would be close to being productive. And last night I did spend some time googling salary figures of engineers, and what caught my attention is that an associates in certain fields of engineering can actually make you around + or - $50,000, which isn't bad seeing that some bachelor's degrees would make you just as much money at entry level... so it's something to consider. But then I was looking up the jobs for an aerospace engineer, analyzing the statistics of job offerings in Los Angeles, qualifications, etc. And come to find out, a lot of the jobs require "secret" security clearance by the government; basically you must pass an extensive background check and be granted clearance to hold a job that handles the use of "secret" information.

Apparently, there are 3 levels of types of security; confidential, secret, and top secret. Confidential, is the most basic and always given to those in the military, then secret is mid-level, and top-secret is CIA, presidential status. I thought that was kind of cool, but ultimately my criminal background won't be clear until around April 2014, that's if I don't get convicted on this case I'm fighting now, meaning that it would pointless for me to pursue a 2year degree, since it takes about 2 years to get this type of "secret" security clearance anyway. Might as well just wait since I want a bachelor's anyway, well probably a doctorate one day, but I'll see if that's necessary...

I just hope that Obama gets re-elected for another term. Honestly, all bullshit aside, he has done a great job at being president, a really great job. He has made change, and I wish I was brushed up on physics so I could make an equation throw in some vectors with direction and some velocity to physically show what I mean. Basically it would translate to opposite direction, at an accelerating velocity, i.e. forward. And I know he will create more jobs and better the economy if selected for another term. I think what he has done in the last 4 years is commendable... I mean I could only imagine what his day to day life is .. WORK. And he puts in work. He showed up at every national crisis, like when the batman shooting happened, he was there the next day like whaddupp cuh and he really wasn't obligated to show his face, he could have just made a statement.


Anyway, a brief ending to that because I honestly don't do politics. My mom does (now) which makes me hate it even more, because she's more ignorant than she thinks... and trust me I never claim to be the brightest star in the sky, but it sucks to see someone you love be so voluntarily ignorant and somewhat brainwashed by all the crap she watches on t.v. *Side rant: but she literally never turns the t.v. off. Whatever she's doing the t.v. is on. Even when she sleeps, she still leaves the t.v. on even when no one is in the room. I mean whatever though, I can try to advise her on her life but she's so smart, I know she got it all figured out. Shit, I hope...

And last night, I could not sleep so I seriously wanted to come back and blog again about how torn I was... I really wanted to leave Redlands and go back to LA, and part of me still does, but after a night of rest, I know what's really good. And that's staying out here. I can make it. What really makes me desire to go back so much honestly is Babi3. And just so that we're all clear, Babi3 is my friend from babi3 gang. I don't call him that aloud, nor does he call himself that, but when I speak of him publicly on the Internet, I say babi3 as sort of a character name? Idk, but the role he plays in my life is as a mentor/ counselor/ adviser, as he would say... but really (I despise this word), he's more of a best-friend.

I can talk to him about anything, I never feel like I have to hide anything from him, he gives me support and motivation even though he talks a lot of shit too, he's literally always there for me. All in all, he's my roll dawg, down for the ride. I could even talk to him about the guys I still like and tell him like damn, I wish things could have ended up differently between me and so n so, but so n so hates me for x,y, n z. And he would always say I'm lying, I'm a virgin, a square, blah blah, blah, I just miss laughing with him everyday.

And it pains me to know that I left him. I know he depended on me for certain shit, like I depended on him for certain shit. But I just hope that he knows I didn't leave him out there to dry and that I would never do that. I'ma be back to visit and in a year and a half, I'll be back for good. Shit, if I can, I'ma bring his ass out here with me, even though I know I'ma regret on like the third day. Lol


But overall,  trust,  our relationship goes deep, deeper than surface, face-value bullshit.

Ok enough about him, but if it weren't for my guilty conscience about leaving babi3 behind, I wouldn't be so pained being here right now, because I can deal with being without him, that's not a big issue, but it's the fact that I know babi3 so well, that I care about how he's doing, his sanity, and how he's holding up. Damn, shit hurts.


Usually to me, writing can evoke a certain type of emotion, even over a screen, on a page, whatever, or at least to me, my writing does. What I mean is that I can read my own writing and tell what I was feeling when I wrote something.. and I wonder if other people can too..? Idk, but My writing in the last post, and this post, seems depressed, and I hate that.

But I mean, being here has altered me and my life completely, which must be taken into consideration. No matter what I went through at home, I ALWAYS found myself happy. So being here makes me debate in my mind, what's more important: living a happy life or living a comfortable  life?

I don't know. But for now, I am here.



And the BET awards are on now and sadly, I don't care. At All.

The only person I semi saw was Tip. I love T.I., from gangsta to family man to rapper to giving back to his community, I really do love T.I. And I'm glad I saw him when I was changing channels earlier. But one thing I did forget about was the cyphers, which I think would really be the only thing worth watching the show for.

And I just found my Alice and Wonderland book randomly from when I was like 10. My Aunt always saves like every little thing, so it's no surprise that when I looked over to her bookshelf a few minutes ago, I spotted it wedged between two sophisticated books like it belonged there. Lol But now I'm gonna keep it forever!! ... And sadly, I had to throw away my book collection recently :'(

Off topic, but I swear this is the last thing I think I'ma say, wait I just thought of one more thing, but on the recent basketball wives la, I just watched that shit yesterday, Draya was fighting with Jackie and Jackie called her a hoe over and over saying she sold her body, etc, and by the look on Draya's face it was so readable, and I just wanted to give her a hug at that moment, cuz I could see that Draya did sell herself, poor babygirl. And I saw this girl on twitter/instagram before I started watching the show, and I was like damn why does she have so many followers, I guess cuz she's pretty, and has ass and is a bright skin, but then I saw her on t.v and was like ohhhhhhhhh


Also, I retract the statement that I made about dogs yesterday. I love them regardless of the fact that they follow me everywhere I go, are always in my face, and they don't listen. I think I would let Freud sleep in my bed with me, if I wasn't 100% positive that he would lick my face when I was sleeping, and shed his dog hair in my bed and if he took a bath more often then that would better his chances. But ey, he's just a dog.


And this is the last thing, I swear, but I'm sick. My cousin got me sick the first day I got down here and it has gotten progressively worse. And I can't take medicine n if I could, the only medicine I would take is triple c's. That shit works miracles, and if used improperly, is fun, but I don't do those things anymore. So thanks for doing me dirt fam.


YoudA YoudA the best <3 p="p">

PEACE

Ailena



p.s. I never get to write everything I wanna say and that is inevitable, I always forget, digress, etc. But I do remember two things that I wanted to say. And I'll make it brief. 1) Redlands is creepy af, there are ghost everywhere, like literally. There's one in my house but I just ignore it cuz it doesn't bother me, but I can tell that she's there, And this town just has an overall creep feeling to it. My Aunt was just telling me some crazy shit the other day about witchcraft, and this old lady she met a long ass time ago that she worked for that was evil, and how she would kill youngsters to keep her body young. It was too much for me bc I'm well aware of the spiritual world, and my Aunt a lot more,  and to know shit like this just further confirms my worries that Redlands lowball has more wierdo people like that around than I think...



and 2) I'm not gonna say the 2nd thing, I started to, but then decided not to. I saw some action taking place, in the future, and If it happens, I will let you know. And if it doesn't, oh well. I was just going to make a brief comment about it because it was a good thing, but nevermind. You probably wouldn't get it anyway. Bye :)

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